The Legend of Natasha and Bruce
by Trivial Pursuit
Summary: The Black Widow finds herself revising earlier statements. Third in the Triviaglass Avengers 'Verse


Natasha Romanoff was majorly pissed off, and when The Black Widow was pissed off people tended to drop like flies (Pun very much intended).

She didn't understand men. They were all nice and simple and boring when they were underworld crime bosses or multi-billionaires. But when they were fluffy scientists who could turn into giant green rage monsters at the drop of a hat they were harder to understand then Middle Eastern relations. Natasha shrieked at the thought and sent a spinning kick at Hawkeye's head.

'Jesus, Nat. We're sparring, I haven't murdered your firstborn.' He was slightly breathless and Natasha smiled. She'd been slightly more violent then usual and he was taking a bit of a beating.

'I am not going any faster, all that sex is making you slower.' She punctuated with a blow to his head that he only narrowly dodged.

'Touché.' They exchange a few more blows as he waited for Natasha to open up.

'Why are men so fucking complicated?' Natasha seethed. 'You take off your clothes, do a little dance and completely destroy them mind, body, and soul and they'll give you the world in a velvet box, but hand them a cup of tea and a few chocolate biscuits and try to be their's for life and they don't even know you exist! It's enough to drive one completely insane!'

'Nat, I'm pretty sure Banner knows you exist. After all, you did drag him all the way from Calcutta at gunpoint.' Natasha grimaced at the memory.

'I should apologize for that... How do you know I like Bruce?' Natasha's eyes narrowed to slits.

'You mean, besides the fact that you find the tiniest excuse to spend as long as you possibly can in his lab, or that you bring him chocolate biscuits and bizarre, unpronounceable teas whenever you see him, or that you touch him all the time, or that you've stopped flirting with everybody but him, or that you can barely speak to him, or even that you've started reading books on physics. Besides all that?' Clint smirked then dodged the kick that came his way. She hated it that he knew her well enough to pick up on these things.

'I flirt all the time, I'm the best honeypot SHIELD has to offer. I could make the Dali Lama break his vow of chastity.' Natasha's eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

'Nat, you've never had a relationship that wasn't a mission that lasted for more then a month. Plus, Banner is an emotionally challenged scientist who can turn into the Jolly Green Giant at the drop of a pin. His last relationship imploded in a way that I can only describe as epic. He's got lower self-esteem then a teenage girl, and to top it all off he works with a bunch of people who have the ability to lock him away in a giant glass cylinder 'til his dying days. If I were him, the fact that a beautiful spy was trying and epically failing at hitting on me wouldn't even register on my radar.' Natasha lunged at Clint and pinned him to the mat.

'You're lucky I like Darcy. The last man who spoke to me that way had an unfortunate accident with his shoelace. It's so _funny_ how they can sometimes just get wrapped around your neck without you even noticing.' She got up and stalked away, sending a few agents running for cover. They both knew she'd never carry out her threat but it was good to strike some doubt into his heart every so often.

Natasha found her feet trekking the familiar path to Bruce's lab on the eighty-fourth floor, detouring to make a pot of tea. She'd been taught how to make tea by a lovely British man whom she'd lived with for several months until he died falling over a waterfall in Switzerland.

'_Swirl some of your boiled water around in the pot, no not like that Natalia, move with your wrist, then dump all the water out and put your tea in. Pour your water for tea on top of that, yes Natalia, tea _then_ water. Let it steep for five minutes, no more, no less._' She smiled slightly to herself as she remembers the man who was the only thing close to a father she'd ever had. He'd been very particular about certain things, like tea, music, grammar, and the way one ironed shirts, but other things, like cleaning, sleeping, and being politely tactful never even occurred to him. But it was foolish to think of such things that could never be again. She put the pot on a turquoise-lacquered tray with two teacups and a plate of chocolate biscuits.

She quietly entered the lab, balancing the tray on the tips of her fingers of one hand and moving through the carefully cultivated ordered chaos of Bruce's lab.

'What are you working on?' She asked when he seemed to be at a point where conversation was acceptable.

'Poison, I though I might try to make you your own blend.' She swooped down and wrapped her arms around him.

'That is the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me, thank you.' She felt a little bit giddy and had to take a couple of second to not squeal like a teenager.

'It's quite interesting, I've never tried to make something like this before. I though I'd do it since I'm in a competition with Tony to see who can make the best weapon and delivery system the fastest. He's making some sort of exploding arrow but I though poison would be more my speed and nobody else on the team would use it.' That stings a little, but that feeling is overshadowed by the fact that he's doing something specifically for _her_.

Tony cornered her as she exited the lab.

'Here's the deal Little Miss Bolshie Super-Spy. Bruce is my friend and, despite what the commonly held belief is, I don't actually want him to get hurt. So when you embark on your little mission of seduction I just want you to remember he's an all-in kind of guy. And I know that even wearing my suit you could kill me seven ways to Sunday but I want you to know that if you pull a Dorian Gray to our own fluffy green Sybil I will make you regret it.' His tone was serious. He walked away, not waiting for her response.

After a few weeks of brooding Natasha decided it was time to call in the expert on dating clueless scientists.

The CEO of Stark industries was sitting doing a large amount of paperwork that looked suspiciously like damage reports when the spy dropped down on the couch across from her.

'Pepper, how did you get Tony to notice you?' Pepper looked startled and slightly suspicious at the question.

'I wore a backless blue dress to a benefit, why?'

'I have discovered I don't totally understand the practical application of 'Flirting and/or Dating For Personal Purposes'. You seem like the right person to ask.'

'Ahh, would this sudden interest have to do with the lovely Doctor Banner?' Pepper smiled knowingly and Natasha wanted to scream, did _everyone_ know about her feelings for Bruce except the man himself?

'Possibly.'

'And what you're wondering is how you can possibly get the good Doctor to see you as anything other then the woman who forced you out of his peaceful existence tending to the poor in Calcutta and the totally kick ass teammate, right?' Pepper looked at her expectantly.

'Possibly.'

'And have billions of fluffy, minty green, half Hulk, half Russian super-spy babies?'

'No, maybe just one. I think he'd be good with kids.' Pepper looked at the woman incredulously.

'Okay, well, have you tried the direct approach?' Natasha snorted.

'Yeah, that worked out well. He thought I got board of prodding at Steve and moved on to him. I hadn't been prodding at Steve for _months_ when I did that.' Pepper looked pensive at this.

'Have you tried getting all dressed up and using your feminine wiles?'

'God, that went even worse.' Natasha's eyes flashed with irritation, 'He didn't even look at me except to ask me to pass him a book, I was completely humiliated.' Pepper made a sympathetic sound and stared thoughtfully out the window.

'Stark Industries has a benefit coming up that Tony and I were intending on inviting all the Avengers to, that could be an opening to jump him.' Natasha grimaced at the choice of words but made no comment. 'Director Fury wants us to invite the X-Men, so if nothing else you might meet some interesting people.' Natasha sighed and nodded her head in assent. 'Fantastic. Of course, you'll need a new dress, and shoes. I'll call up Madame Petrova and see what she can do for you.'

Madame Petrova turned out to be a lovely Russian woman whose sense of _chic_ is was much in tune with Natasha's own. It turned out that they were from the same district of Moscow and compared memories of the city that birthed them.

As the day of the benefit dawned Natasha couldn't help but feel immensely confidant, this was an mission (A mission that her personal happiness rested on, but a mission none the less.) and she had never failed yet. Natasha circled the ballroom a few times, yet the person she wanted never looked twice at her. Then she saw a familiar face in the crowd, a familiar face who was in up to his eyeballs in debt with her.

She looped her arm through the man's with a smile plastered to her face and tugged him along with the group of people he was entering with.

'Natasha, what are you doing here?' His smile was tight and he spoke through clenched teeth.

'Smile, Logan, just _smile_.'

'Nat, what's going on?'

'Remember that time you told me Siberia was the tropics compared to my heart?'

'Yes?' Logan sounded nervous.

'Well I'm trying to fix that and you're going to help. Plus you owe me.' She flashed her slightly-too-long-for-comfort canines and he gulped.

'For what?' Logan shifted uncomfortably. He knew _exactly_ how much he owed her.

'Well all the times I saved your ass, or the time you didn't tell me about your _wife_, or all the other times I've done stupid shit for you, take your pick. Besides that, I'm the only person who doesn't irritate you senseless.' Natasha tossed her head back and laughed and Logan smiled slightly.

'What do you want me to do? Kill someone?'

'Make someone jealous.' Logan snorted derisively. 'Don't snort, it's the Hulk.'

'No. Nat, Dollface, I love you in a totally platonic way but absolutely _not_.'

'She threw a shoe at me and tossed me out of bed naked. It is the most humiliating moment of my life and you and she both are very lucky I didn't kill her then and there. So stop dallying like a _malenʹkiy malʹchik kisku_.'

'Fine. But only because it's you Dollface.' He sighed in a resigned sort of way. 'She's dead now.'

'That's too bad, I liked her, she had... How do you say it? Spunk, she had spunk.' Natasha smiled. 'She showed that your taste in women isn't completely shit.'

'What about you? You were brilliant.'

'A pretty face does not make up for a heart of ice.' She smiled brittlely, as if her face might crack open and reveal what lay hidden beneath.

'I'm sorry, I never should have said that.' Her face softened ever-so-slightly.

'But you did.' He nodded his assent and stared off into the crowd.

Natasha swanned around on Logan's arm for half the night, preening like a peacock and raising a few eyebrows. She's introduced to his teammates as 'An old friend', raising even more eyebrows and just generally being showy enough to give anyone who knew her cause for alarm. Bruce barely gave her a glance then went to sit in a with a giant man who looked like he was built out of rock and a pretty redhead with a white streak in her hair that looked like she wasn't even legal.

She stormed over to the corner table near the end of the party. Each of the three people at the table had a long row of glasses in front of them and were looking rather morose.

'Can we talk?' It's not a request, even if he treats it as such.

'I'm with my drinking buddies, can't it wait for office hours?' Natasha trailed her fingers across his back then slid down sideways onto his lap.

'Can we talk?' She breathed into his ear and Natasha was delighted to feel him shiver ever-so-slightly.

'Fine.' She slid off his lap and led him down a few halls and into a broom closet she'd scouted for precisely this purpose.

'Bruce, you're completely full of shit.' He opened his mouth to say something but she stopped him by pressing her index finger to his lips. 'Yet, for some wildly inconceivable reason I am madly in love with you.'

'Why? You're terrified of me, everyone knows that. You're gorgeous and you could probably get Fury to drop his pants if you really wanted to,' he paused and his face scrunched up adorably at the idea. Natasha was such a goner, 'You've never shown any prior desire to own a house, reproduce, pursue anything even remotely resembling settling down. I'm a monster who can disembowel you at the slightest provocation, I share none of your interests or experiences. I'm probably almost thirty years older then you and I can't see you toss away your youth on a broken old man. We're on the same team, which could completely dispute the team dynamic, I have no idea how the Hulk feels about you and I couldn't stand knowing he'd hurt you. This is a very bad idea.'

'You're sweet, but I'm a big girl who wears ass-kicking, red lace big girl panties, I'm also older then you and so don't you dare play the 'I-could-be-your-father' card, I'm not playing. I love you and from the fact that you never said you don't love me I can assume you feel the same. It really does suck that you turn into a completely different person at the drop of hat but at least you get the luxury of having the divide between you and the Other Guy, at least when you look in the mirror, when your memories engulf you, you see someone else doing those terrible things. So don't you dare tell me I have no idea what you have to deal with. Just don't.' He smiled thinly and she kissed him, kissed him with her eyes fully closed, not the so that she can see little slivers of life like she does on missions.

'If you get hurt-'

'If I get hurt you can say 'I told you so' and when we get married I get the same privilege. Plus, I won't ever allow you to hurt me.'

'You can't stop the Hulk, he's-' Natasha reached into her bag and pulled out a little syringe and a bottle full of clear liquid.

'Yes I can, but I'm never going to use it since you're never going to hurt me.'

'Don't promise that Natasha. Never make promises that you can't keep. But if the Other Guy does go haywire I'm glad it'll be you to put him down.' He doesn't say _me_ because they both know that then she'll never use it.

'I fully intend to keep that promise.' She kissed him again, more forcefully. He pulled back with a wide smile on his face.

'Hi, I'm Bruce. I have anger problems that can make me at totally different person.' He stuck his hand out as if to shake and she grasped it firmly. She doesn't let go for the rest of the night.

He smiled and held her hand, let her take him pack to the party and dance every dance. After the party they go back to one of their apartments, it doesn't matter whose. It's not perfect, you can't have perfect with two people as damaged as they. She lies and he always holds back and they both hide from each other but even then it's still some kind of perfect.


End file.
